Potty Chronicles

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If poo scares you, leave now. It's about to get pooey.

Fair warning. [insert shrugging emoji] Also, there are no photos that go along with this [you're welcome], so I am choosing to include adorable baby shots to counteract the poo topic. K here goes, love you.

Whyyyyyy. Why do I choose to share these atrocities with you?! Because it's rull. SO there's that.

I'm going to take you through all of our worstest potty snafus in the order they have visited. Ready? Neither am, I have to relive these!

So E has always been a great poo-er. Remember in the hospital when they say that your little needs to poop at least once a day? Well, E pooped 3 times each day. To say the least, they let us leave a day early. Should we have taken them up on that additional first time parent extra day offer? Probably, things learnt.

So with E's poopability came high velocity poosplosions. I'm sure most of you can relate here.

I thought it would be sweet to one day do some skin to skin with a nekid, diaperless babeh [to my defense, she was like 7 days old and I was in zombie mode, kay?]. Hubby was ready for anything, except this. I sit down with little bug. 2 seconds later, flghghhhhhhhhhh, a toot and a shoot. I got shat on. Not only shat on, projectile shat on. Daddybear couldn't react in any other way except for 'oh shoot oh shoot'. Thank tha Lawd that a blanket was on top of her off white recliner [not a recommended color choice in a nursery people].

Needless to say, we had multiple poosplosions of a similar velocity.

Now onto 4 months when we started introducing purees. Including bananas.

A few hours after feeding E her first nanner, I go to change her diaper. Do you know what bananas do to baby poop? Neither did I. Hopefully this prepares you.

I open E's diaper, and there are tiny black worms EVERYWHERE. Initially, I enter freak out google search mode. Then, an ah hah moment occurs.

The nanners. SICK.

More recently, let's say two weeks ago, I smell a scent.

E is squatting down playing with something. I lift her shirt, preparing to sniff that tush [if you deny ever doing this, I just can't], and what to my wandering eyes should appear? Oh. Casual. It's poo. Squishy poo coming up and poking itself out of E's diaper, getting all over said shirt.

Lovely.

The worst diaper changes are those that come out of the top. You end up destroying not only one, but two diapers, and you have to strategically prepare, for if you don't, you die.

You don't actually die. You just get yelled at by the tiny human. And your nose. And you get poo everywhere, not enjoyable people.

I recently read somewhere that if you can read your kiddo's poo face, then you can hold them on the potty at this age to get them used to the big kid potty, which will lead to easier potty training. I don't know if this is even viable, but good gravy could you imagine?!

AnyPoos [get it?], these are just a few of our experiences. Have fun pooing.

WAITTTTTTTTTTT

Ohhhhhh dear. We have a winner. Since writing this, we've had our worst poosplosion ever.

Christmas Eve. Ellie is dressed extra cute, red sweater dress and polka dot tights, see above. I'm dressed super cute too, toot toot.

It's morning, Daddy is on his way home from work, and it's post initial morning poo. E's got a fresh diaper, when all of a sudden, I smell IT.

I go to change IT, handing E the butt paste so she can 'help momma'. I. see. poo on the butt paste. Ermagherdddd there's poo on her hands.

Freak out mode. The poo had exploded out of the top of the diaper, again! I use her dress to kind of wipe it so it doesn't get everywhere else since her outfit has already been tainted. There's a large poo shmear on my maxi skirt. There's probably poo on my hand. Small details, don't have time for that. We move this party to her changing table so the carpet doesn't become a war zone. Ellie is crying, I'm crying.

Finally. One baby outfit, one mommy outfit and some tainted butt paste, and we're finally poo free... Until next time.

Maybe this is a sign that she's outgrown her size 3 diapers. Cry me a river. oh.

On a more pleasant note, GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR POTTY SNAFUS!!! I wanna hear the good, bad, happy and sad. Please? Bueller [overused?]